Awareness is not around, it's within."
Once again, she had that nightmare, it looked like a never-ending thing. Fear of the dark and waking was already part of her bedtime routine. Kelly didn't know the last time she had a sound sleep where she felt safe and protected. She experienced an exact replay of her past in those nightmares. Since she was four, it has been happening. When she had such dreams in her childhood, she would cling to her mother. Her mother would pour love, soothe her, kiss her, and hug her tighter. But now she wasn't around. Since her death, she had to deal with it on her own. These nightmares would affect her mood, concentration, and attention. Sometimes she wasn't able to focus on the lecture during class.( Prof Gray would ask questions and she would act dumb because she didn't know what he was talking about. It has embarrassed her so many times during class. she tried to consciously control them and with the 0help of Nafeesa, an Asian girl.Kelly told her to strike her with her elbow if Kelly was found zooming out in class. This problem was disturbing every aspect of her life. But Kelly was tired of it.
This time interval was huge since she had these nightmares. Kelly thought maybe it was gone, but no, it was still here with all of its dread and she was Again woke up in the Middle of the night.
She looked around, it was her new room and the quietness and loneliness, she decided to go out of her room. Maybe I find peace outside the room, she thought and stepped out of her room.
As she emerged from the confines of her room, stepping into the enveloping darkness of the front yard she saw whole front yard was engulfed by darkness. She felt fear. Fear. Fear had always gripped her tightly, but suffocating monotony of her room had become unbearable. she confronted the darkness, which was à difficult decision. It is common to fear darkness but confronting it is a most difficult thing
When we decide to confront it whether it is inside us or outside, we conquer it. summoning the last vestiges of courage within her. Each step forward felt like a challenge, as though her feet were shackled to burdens too heavy to bear. Yet, she persisted, driven by a longing for change that had simmered within her for far too long.
As she navigated the familiar path outside her home, she grappled with her solitude, acutely aware of the loneliness outside and inside her. It was just her and this villa, or the vast expanse of the universe versus her, an intimidating prospect both intrigued and unnerved her. Could she truly find solace in conversation with the cosmos? Would the universe deign to respond to her pleas for guidance? The uncertainty weighed heavily upon her, mingling with the anticipation of what revelations awaited her.
With a quiet determination, she settled into a solitary vigil, engaging in a silent dialogue with herself and the enigmatic forces surrounding her. The questions tumbled forth, each one a breadcrumb leading her deeper into the labyrinth of her thoughts. What if the universe remained silent, indifferent to her plight? It was a possibility she had long grappled with, a bitter truth she had reluctantly accepted. But what if, by some miracle, the universe chose to answer her call? The mere thought stirred a flicker of hope within her, illuminating the darkness with the promise of possibility. Little did she know the universe doesn't connect us most directly, but rather through indirect signals, akin to symbols used in chemistry to understand reactions.
Awareness serves as the universal dialect, sending these signals we can decode to decipher its messages. Viewing the world as a vast chemistry lab, she should recognize its diverse elements—some harmless, others harmful, and a few radioactive. Just as with radioactivity, one must steer clear of those who emit toxicity, as their harmful influence can permeate every aspect of life, much like the effects of narcissistic personalities. even if you are far away, their abuse campaigns can affect every cell of your body producing much trauma.
She sighed deeply, reflecting on her encounters with such individuals such as Rose. It dawned on her that attracting narcissists wasn't solely about them, but also about her boundaries. She realized healthy boundaries were essential for safeguarding against toxic influences. This world is full of people of different types, some are kind and generous, filling your life with joy and happiness. If they are around, it gives you contentment. They are harmless. These are those people who emit positive radiation and can even heal your soul. And some people are harmful and you have to be careful dealing with them. With care, you can still handle them.
Lost in contemplation, she revisited the fragmented tapestry of her past, searching for meaning amidst the chaos of her experiences.
*******************
Kelly entered into this villa hesitantly. It was nestled amidst the hustle and bustle of the city. Its grandeur is of 7-10 stairs leading up to the ground floor, giving it an elevated presence. The exterior is adorned with vibrant vines cascading down the walls, boasting colorful flowers that add to its charm. All of it had a strange spell on Kelly making her mesmerized by its beauty.
This city of British Columbia was named as victoria. It was a beautiful city beyond imagination. Sge liked it’s weather emensely.while whole Canada had freezing température, this city can provide one with shine days. It seemed sunlight had made everything glittery around. It had 7-8celcius température was good enough to enjoy this cityes beauty.
Other thung she miked about the city was its garden. Sh3 felt active whenever she visites this city. This city w1s idéal for her. It is siwth s’unissent city of the world.
The fall in this city spell bander. When tree leaves would fall and tree would become wait for new leaves to Bloom and with that an unstoppable rainy season would start. Since water is life for every living thing,, with heavy rain many types of grass would appear. Different types of mushrooms would start peeling from ground saying hello to this city. When she saw these little umbrellas of mushrooms, she would remember one of the cartoon series she would like to watch when she was young. It was baba smell cartoon series. How they all lived inside these mushrooms as if they were big trees. Alone with mushroom and grasses, Moss would also cover the Entire l1nd making it more lush green. Start of march would bring leaves to the trees so this city overall was green and Beautiful. She felt as life is blooming around, à New life was bloom8ng inside her too. She felt alive and fresh every time she visits this city.
A sprawling garden surrounds the villa, providing a serene retreat from the urban chaos. At its heart stands a sturdy swing.
On one side of the garden lies an annex for the servant Halen and her family, their quarters blending seamlessly with the lush surroundings.
A road leads up to the ornate gate, offering a gateway to both the elegance within and the vivacity of the city beyond. This house serves as a tranquil oasis in the midst of the urban jungle, a haven where Kelly finds refuge amidst the chaos of daily life.
She placed that luggage in the hall way and started to explore different rooms. Now things looked different probably because she was analyzing them in details. She had been here in her childhood when they were here for vacations. She went in one of the bedroom where she used to stay before. It was large room with huge window from where she can see the front yard. Most of the attraction belonged to this room was due to that swing that was perfectly visible from here. She watched that swing for a while as if she was recollecting some memories associated with it. After staring that swing for quite some time she decided to tale some rest. She was tired enough due to travelling that was both physically and mentally stressful for her. She had decided that she won’t think about her past but now again her eyes were wet due to she wanted to sleep for sometime after à long drive.
After waking up she explored the house again un order to find a suitable room for all the things that belonged to her mom. She decided to set à bedroom for her mother . In her fathers room everything about her mother was considered as trash. Even she felt herself as a useless thing their especially when she saw that overdramatic young girl besides her dad. How a father could be so indifferent to his own child. How could he bring this girl who is almost of her age. She sighed in great grief and lifter herself from he chair she was sitting on.
Kelly settled some of the things but still so much to do after all it was not easy to do a shifting in any new place. Although many of the things were settled already by the servants but she wanted something according to her choice. Also she had to set her mother’s room where she can feel her presence, everything placed as her mother had in her room. She used her mother’s poetry to decorated the room.
In this house, Kelly feels a sense of tranquility and belonging. The lush garden, the comforting swing, and the peaceful surroundings offer her a refuge from the chaos of her home. She finds solace in the beauty of the house and the natural world around her, feeling at home amidst the serenity of her surroundings. Additionally, the presence of Halen and her family in the annex adds to the warmth and sense of community that Kelly experiences in the house. Overall, it's a place where Kelly can relax, unwind, and find moments of joy and contentment.
She remembered how she told her father about this decision and how cold his behaviors was.
***********
And the next week, Kelly was packing. Packing everything belongs to her and her mother. No one needed her or her mother's belongings in the house. They were placed there as a garbage . She wanted to pack everything belonging to her mother Anna and was once loved by her. While packing, she saw her diary full of poetry and pictures of her mother in youth when she was in college with our Emma smiling face Anna, full of life. Pictures speak or fact screaming how Anna loved life, how lively they were. Seeing those big eyes full of dreams. Dreams that will take her to the heights of her potential. "You were a mother she thought of the big dream she may have had as a youth." Then she opened her diary contained poetry. She started to read one of my favourite poems:
“After loving too much,
her spirit sore,
Breaking her soul,
to its core,
She discovered herself, torn apart,
She had a walk, through her heart
But there, she found a barren land,
A no man's land,
desolate and grand.” – Nazia_khushbakht
She checked the date; it was when Kelly was two years old. Tears came to Kelly's eyes. "How ripped off her mother was. As a woman, she can feel the longing of her mother to fill this no man's land with the love of her man." If you were alive, Kelly talked to Mother, "I would have hugged you and kissed you and given you the warmth you ever longed for." "But was she able to do it? Did Anna love Kelly as much as her husband?" "No," Kelly replied. "She didn't love me as much. I was a second priority. If she loved me I was at first." She felt pain in her heart, how painful it was to be in the second place she could understand. She had been second place for even Tyler. "Tyler? I do not even remember the manipulator again." She scolded herself for breaking the rule.
She somehow gathered energy to close this her mothers dairy and place it in her luggage.
She brought Halen and Steve here with her. Since they were their trusted servants so her father had no concerns over this.
“at least he was being that good to consider such things otherwise he would always wander around with his wife like a newly married couple, always up to go somewhere.
“ I wish she suffers” Kelly wished selfishly, “ I wish she leaves him so he knows how it feels when you lose someone. “but he has lost his wife” she talked to herself.
“He didn’t care about her much. She was nothing for him. But this young lady? He behaves like a teenager around her. This was so annoying for Kelly that she decides to leave this house forever.
With heavy heart, she left that house not heavy because she loved it but because she feared future. She feared unknown.
People who fear unknown remain in the same circle, situations and circumstances. They feel safe in their comfort zone. But one who is brave enough to face unknown is the one who builds their own empire. They craft their own world. Kelly was being brave enough to face it but yes, she had some anxiety about it .
She looked around when she was leaving this house, giving it a last look. Tears came into her eyes.
“I will miss this place because she spent time with her mother. There is no other reason to love this house. This is where her mothers memories were everywhere. Painful part was she also had those weird memories that she wanted to get rid of.
“ it was never a home for me” she said in grief”
This villa looked like a haunted house where ghosts live and scare children.
“Out of sight, out of mind” she ensured herself that she wouldn’t even remember she belonged to this villa and people living in it ever.
********************
Kelly’s first day at college
Sound of alarm made her awake. How would be this college? What types of people I am going to meet there?
Fear of unknown again caught her buy she was determined to face it regardless what she feels about it.
She was curious and anxious about her college. These thoughts made her brain fog once again and her body becoming tense, she felt her palms were wet with sweat. She looked at them without thinking anything. After she gain some energy, she somehow composed herself to stand up from her bed and reached bathroom to take shower.
She took bath with a jasmine scented body wash, jasmine one of her favourite scents.
Now she wore her college uniform. Brushing her thick shoulder length golden hair she thought of what hair style it should be. After thinking of few minutes and trying pony tail she made a messy bun.
Her slim body. She remembered some of her mothers picture. I look exactly like my mother. She gave her a compliment and smiled looking at the mirror.
Her face was oval like her mother with green eyes catching all the attention. She was like her mum except for those pimples that she use to have every other day.
After dressing her up she packed her books when Halen knocked at the door.
"Yes"
"Do you need any help Kelly?"
"No"
She used one word or one liners to answer Halen.
Halen felt Kelly was nervous about college.
" I hope this would be best day of your life. You are going to meet good people, Don’t worry"
Halen use to encourage her despite her cold behaviour.
" please come downstairs, your breakfast is ready plus Steve is waiting for you to drop you at college" Steve was Halen’s husband. This family was working for Robins since long ago.
Helen and Steve were a quite couple they choose to be quite or they choose to be quiet with romance family there were one word that come can define them both " discretion".
There was not a single Leak of private information from their lives during their whole service so family secrets were safe with them. And this was worthy than about they should have spoken and saved her mother she was not able to forgive them for this scene otherwise it was just part of their job to be silent about everything about Robin family this was the trade that Robins liked and admired and reward this couple Kelly father choose them for two reason to be Tally in this new Villa one was that they was loyal and Kelly was safe with them other was keep an eye on Kelly and tell them if she do something in a “inappropriate” this couple has seen Kelly grown so they her no her personality very well at night Helen and Kelly would sleep in the bedroom near kelly's bedroom so she can take care of her during those night wears she would sometime so there and sometimes it distance and watch herself and full fill her thinking time thinking was her hobby if she didn't she may have had a normal life with that Robin family not all children think and feel that we tell you did for her mother
She was a misfit and a problem for her family because she never acted on Robbins manipulative plan and was able to understand their plans. She had grown up seeing them how they capture their self their hollow inside herself they hollow from inside deep inside the no they are bad but don't want other to know daily has seen this to English but did you need did not wanted to be part of the pray so Robin family was quiet happy at getting rid of Kelly in fact some of them have made plan to leave Kelly to her extent that she leaves but they have served kelly well.
She heard Halens voice calling her again.
"Coming" she said picking her bad and water bottle hurriedly.
In few next minutes she was engulfing her coffee before leaving.
Reaching college she had difficulty in figuring out her class. This was her problem. She checked her class room online but when she came here forgot everything. It seemed l8ttle and mere things cab make her nervous. This makes her tired of her self but now she wanted to “discover” her class.
She was pale and afraid, not afraid but it was her expressions that seemed too loud for telling everyone around" hey look, this girl is a fool"
She reach out to a girl who also seemed new.
Are you new too?
"Yes" do you need some help?
Yeah I was trying to figure out my class.
Yeah of course. Follow me.
They were steeping on stairs when girl told her name was Nafeesa. She knew every bit of everything college because her elder sister was also studying there and she had visited this college before.
Luckily she had same class.
Can sit with you.
Yeah of course.
"I am Kelly" she said nervously. I am sorry I forgot to tell you my name.
That’s okay. We have so much time to talk about each other but lets focus on lecture first because professor gray is coming.
Prof. is human anthropologist. A nice guy, intelligent teacher. He never mind answering students questions and having discussion with them.
Nafeesa shared all information that she brought from her sister.
Prof gray came into the class. Wearing a gray suit.
Later she came to know his name wasn’t prof gray but students called him so because he always wore some shades of gray.
Infact his name was Stephan, some students would also call him Stephan Hawking.
Why had fate conspired to lead her down such a tumultuous path? A question had plagued her for years, its answer eluding her grasp like a phantom in the night. Yet, as she sat amidst the stillness of the darkened landscape, she felt a newfound clarity begin to dawn within but it needed” acceptance”.
In the quietude of the night, she found herself on the precipice of discovery, poised to unravel the mysteries that had long haunted her. Though the journey ahead was fraught with uncertainty, she was no longer content to remain a passive observer of her own life. With determination burning bright within her, she resolved to seize control of her destiny, guided by the whispered wisdom of her intuition.
The heaviness of her feet wasn't merely a reflection of her physical condition; it mirrored the depths of her mental and spiritual turmoil. A weight born from enduring the trials and tribulations had peppered her life. Betrayal, manipulation, and the scars of physical and mental abuse contributed to this burden, as did the shattered remnants of her once cherished dreams. Desiring to move forward, yet hindered by the weight of her burdens, she found respite on a swing. She started to swing back and forth as she went back and forth in her decisions and did not get the desired result. She also used to go back and forth between good and bad habits and also between being disciplined to undisciplined. As she rocked back and forth, mirroring the oscillations of her life's decisions and outcomes, she grappled with the dichotomy of her existence. Swinging between the realms of good and bad habits, discipline, and chaos, she sought balance amidst the chaos.
She looked around into the darkened home. Should she be afraid of the dark? Which darkness? she questioned herself. Darkness around or darkness inside her? It was darker inside than outside so what to fear? She looked at those walls of villas; it was one of her father's homes.
It was near her college and was in a busy city. It was there with all of its glory but filled with quiet. She looked at those walls and thought these villas were a guarantee of my happy life. Why did my mother think so? It gave her only tortu Then she suddenly realized she should not judge her mother this much after all material things also matter. She wasn’t homeless, she was living a life where she could afford everything. There was everything her mother bought her with her sacrifice and even gave her life for. But there was one thing she didn’t buy for her. This was light. There was darkness all around and within her. She used to study a lot. She was a reader. She liked to think and read and think. Ponder over things but was it enough? Was it enough to wonder what had happened, how it happened, and not to do anything to fix it? She believed this darkness was due to other people. But she should take action to change her now and future. There was no doing and just wondering and reading. Well, it's not bad. Knowing is the first step so she was at the first step of changing her life. Change she wanted to make but was confused to start. She would do something and then fall back into the trap. The trap of darkness. She would do things that feel exhausting and then go back. But this is not how life works. This is not how this world functions. Knowing and doing are everything. Knowing and doing would take her towards the light. It will lift her from darkness. It will help to fight darkness. When doing comes, darkness is defeated. Be it any darkness, the light of knowledge will make it go. But she did not have to change. She thought angrily. It's people around her who are bad. Parents choices. They made her life this miserable when everything was there but she still felt empty. People are bad. She concluded I don’t deserve such people in my life. I would live alone. This is how this loneliness begins. It also depicts her defeat of trying, doing, and failing. She did so much for people around her but still, she is alone. Yet, despite her efforts, she was puzzled by the puzzles of life, taunting her with their complexity. Was it solely her actions that had led her to this point, or were external forces also at play? In moments of solitude and illness, she found herself questioning, attempting to unravel the tangled web of circumstances surrounding her.
As she exhaled, she realized her journey of self-discovery also involved understanding the different types of people around her. From the narcissistic individuals who constantly seek validation to the empathetic souls who radiate kindness, each person she encountered taught her something new about herself and the world.
Indeed, she shouldn't take pride in attracting narcissists into her life, for it's not just about those individuals but also herself. Repeatedly attracting narcissists could signify inadequate boundaries. Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, entail recognizing one's worth and setting limits on what behavior is acceptable to others. They involve asserting oneself, saying no when necessary, and prioritizing self-care without feeling guilty. Healthy boundaries foster mutual respect and balance in relationships, allowing for genuine connections to flourish while protecting one's well-being.
Little does she know when she Does things, things will happen and people will come who can uplift her. No one is coming. She reflected on despair. Who will lighten up the whole atmosphere? She thought there would be some fancy story like Cinderella or some other Disneyland princess. Oh, come on! No prince is coming to rescue you. You have to fight this Darkness alone.
No app in this world will do your work as long as you are doing something. Universe will give you signs for these signs and succeed. This success is not about money but about something more than money; it's about discovering yourself. You will get you at the end, which is far more precious than money. Money wasn’t her problem, mother it would. She wanted peace and contentment. Maybe she wanted to make me safe so I don’t have to suffer. I can afford everything. Can manage my studies safely in the surname of Robinsons. Your family will support; they are influential. They are powerful people. Your father is a businessman. You will be able to afford everything you want. If we leave them I don’t have money to support you. I have to love with it. This miserable life. She thought I would be I was important to my family. Why was she so poor in making conclusions and implications? Why was not she able to see things and think things through To-The-End. But she wasn’t able to understand this stuff until Aunt Amma came into her life. Until then she was proud of how many sacrifices she made and how this world was unfair to her. How hard she tried to do things for people and they ditched her, betrayed her, manipulated her. They used her to their benefit. They did not care for how pure she was.
